September 8, 1998

I have come a long way since the first day we met. I don’t need you nearly as much as I did before, and that’s a good thing. For so long I have hated you, and now the hate has lessened. I think I am beginning to understand you and why I needed you so much. I also feel that we are both trying to trust each other and believe me I know how difficult that is. That “TRUST” word does not come easily to me or should I say it didn’t come easily to me. I am beginning to see that you can trust people in this world, have relationships where people don’t abandon me, or leave me. I don’t want you to be a part of my life anymore, but I don’t know if that is possible. I will have to deal with that. I realize that for the past 20 years I really needed you. You never left me, you made me feel safe, I could always count on you, you gave me power and control when I needed it, but you did this in a very DESTRUCTIVE AND HARMFUL way to me. That’s where the anger comes in and why I hated you so much. The arguments we would have in my head nearly killed me. I could no longer take them which is why I got help!! You made me do things that are DISGUSTING like, abuse laxatives, loose a lot of weight, lie to everyone (including myself, be secretive, isolate from everyone (and the one that hurts the most from isolation is my kids, they never had a mother for a long time), I was always angry and hungry, you made me starve myself, you made me have medical conditions from the eating disorder (some I still have), I felt worthless, had no self-esteem, and my recovery has been one of the most hardest things in my life to go through. I nearly lost everything because of you, including my life!! How could you do this to someone? ME or ANYONE for that matter. You take lives away and don’t even care because you are still out there grabbing on to someone else. YOU should be ASHAMED of yourself, not “us” feeling guilt and shame.