Over and over and over again my brain questions: Why? Why am I struggling today? Why do I feel this anxiety now? Why do I feel so fat, so ugly? Why? What is different today from yesterday? Why did my clothes fit better last week? Why do I feel so differently today then I did earlier this week? Why? My frustration even now is trying to prevent me from writing this blog, concerned my why’s will not be what others should read. Why does my own mind want to hold me back? Why do I feel so trapped in my brain sometimes? Why do I feel the way I do? Why are my emotions and thoughts out of control from time to time? WHY?
I repeat those words over and over again working to take back my thoughts, my control, my mind. But sometimes this ‘why’ doesn’t need to be answered. Sometimes just getting through the day is all that matters or needs to be done. All that matters is how we move forward. Just as this disease is committed to us, we must commit to our recovery. I have chosen to never give up –that is my choice, that is how I am taking back my control. What I have learned through this process, through the many nutritionists, counselors and groups, is that what works for one person may not work for another. Our commitment is to find what tools, ideas, and processes work for us. What works to assist us through those why days. What is your commitment? What are your ‘control’ tools?
My best friend had asked if some friends of hers could stay at my apartment while I was out of town visiting her. After their visit, they called her to pass on their thanks to me. At the end of the conversation, the friends who visited discretely asked, “is Tracey going through counselling?” My best friend was somewhat surprised by the question, and replied, “why do you ask?” The friend then described all of the notes I have written to myself throughout my apartment: on my mirrors, on my closet door, the front door before I head out each day, and of course the fridge – quotes and tools that have helped me through my ‘why’ days…
- “I am a beautiful deserving woman”
- “In order for change I must change”
- “If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always got”
We both laughed hysterically at what they must have thought, I laughed because I realized I was no longer embarrassed of my disease and who I was. I laughed because I was so proud that it didn’t even occur to me to take them down. I then cried in happiness for the break-through I had at that very moment, because to me they are all such beautiful words of strength, healing and support. This is part of my commitment to myself, and I am grateful for those words.
It does not matter what it takes to recover, and it certainly doesn’t matter what recovery looks like. What is important is recovery itself, not how we get there. ‘Why’ is a thought I will continue to fight against until the day I no longer ask. But until then, the positive notes on my walls, those many reminders on my phone, and the many, many conversations in one day that I will have with my best friend, is my way of taking back the control that I lose on those ‘why’ days. I am committed to believing that I AM A BEAUTIFUL, DESERVING WOMAN!